GARY BLOOMFIELD: “Before we get to our next match, Ronnie Stockholm has caught up with Junior Cobra. Let’s take you there now.”

***The scene opens backstage at PWA Assault. Broadcast Journalist and PWA backstage personality Ronnie Stockholm is standing with the FIERCE and DEADLY Coldsnakes, who are busy posing and flexing in a manner that can only be described as ‘enthusiastic’. Their bodies glisten with… FAR too much body oil. Rivulets of glistening oil dribble down Junior Cobra’s face, clearly obscuring his vision. Behind him, Giant Anaconda finishes emptying the last drops of a large bottle of Kroger brand 100% pure vegetable oil onto his pecs. A human-sized burlap sack sits slumped behind the Coldsnakes. A strip of duct tape holds a crinkled sheet of typing paper to the bag. Written on the paper in thick Sharpie marker are the words, ‘OFFICIALLY RECOGNIZED PWA DERRICK ARZON CHAMPIONSHIP TITLE – PERSONAL PROPERTY OF JUNIOR COBRA’. Ronnie Stockholm stands near the Coldsnakes, seemingly transfixed by the distracting level of oil glistening off their bodies.***

STOCKHOLM: “…um.”

COBRA: “Ya like that Ron? Ya feelin’ the vibes being put out by these pecs?”

STOCKHOLM: “Um… yes, Junior Cobra, tonight you are scheduled to… to…”

***Cobra strikes a huge ‘roaring lion’ muscle pose in Stockholm’s face as Giant Anaconda looms very close behind the reporter, breathing heavily.***

COBRA: “Don’t shy away from it… the manliness. The RADIENCE. I know, I know… it’s intimidating. Like looking into the sun. But you have to just go with it… turn away and you’ll go blind. Just like staring at the sun.”

STOCKHOLM: “Just like staring at the… wait, you’re saying you go blind if you DON’T keep staring directly at the sun?”

COBRA: “NOBODY knows what I’m saying Stockholm… that’s the mystery. Just like staring at the sun.”

***Stockholm and Cobra lock eyes and stare awkwardly at each other for several seconds. Anaconda gently lays his meaty hands on Stockholm’s shoulders and lets out a long, deep exhale. Stockholm shudders violently and jerks himself away.***

STOCKHOLM: “GAH! Okay! Ahem… uh, Junior Cobra, tonight you finally face Snow one on one for the uh… ahem. For the…”

***Junior Cobra stops posing and leans in and nods his head enthusiastically. His eyes dart from the burlap sack back to Stockholm’s face.***

COBRA: “Uh-huh, say it. Say it!”

STOCKHOLM: “Ugh… tonight Snow faces you with the ‘Derrick Arzon Championship’ on the line.”

COBRA: “No no no no! Don’t undersell it! Say it right! Tonight, Snow has the HONOR of facing the one-and-only JUNIOR COBRA in a match for the OFFICIALLY RECOGNIZED Derrick Arzon Championship! The single heaviest title in PWA history!”

***Cobra whips his arm over and points dramatically at the shuffling burlap sack, causing a wick of cooking oil to fly from his fingers and splatter all over the front of the bag.***

STOCKHOLM: “…there is so much wrong with everything you just said. You realize that PWA in no way recognizes your title as a legitimate championship right? And… and, a title’s prestige doesn’t have anything to do with how much the thing you’re using as a title belt ‘weighs’.”

COBRA: “YOU’D LIKE TO THINK THAT WOULDN’T YOU?”

***Cobra reaches behind him and whips out an oil covered golden coupon stating that the holder is entitled to a shot at the ‘REAL AND OFFICIALLY RECOGNIZED PWA DERRICK ARZON CHAMPIONSHIP’.***

COBRA: “If it’s not real then explain how Snow handed me THIS!”

STOCKHOLM: “I… I assume he has a color printer at home and he…”

COBRA: “Officially recognized championship… COUNT IT!”

***Cobra jumps in the air and makes a three-point swish gesture with his hands, causing oil to splatter all over Stockholm’s face.***

COBRA: “Whoops… careful there. Looks like ya got a little bit of the majesty on ya. Don’t wash it off. It’ll be valuable one day.”

***Stockholm deadpans and sighs.***

STOCKHOLM: “Sigh… so… do you have any strategies you are planning on using to…”

***Suddenly Cobra slips in a puddle of oil and crashes down hard on the floor. Anaconda tries mightily to help him to his feet but he can’t get a grip on him due to his glistening body. Cobra finally struggles to his feet and turns to Stockholm, fuming.***

COBRA: “Who left all this oil on the floor here!? This is an absolute outrage! What kind of organization are you people running Ron?! A wrestler could get hurt! Now look, I’m all covered with oil! How can you expect me to defend my title under these absolutely unfair circumstances! I’m going to go and take a long, hot, shower and think VERY SERIOUSLY about if I’m in any condition to compete tonight.”

***Cobra dramatically limps away, slipping and sliding as he goes. Anaconda just stands there staring at Stockholm. After a few moments, Stockholm slowly backs away off camera. Anaconda turns and stares at the camera for several seconds, beads of oil running down his massive frame. He then turns and walks slowly away, leaving the burlap sack lying alone in the hall.***

BURLAP SACK: “Sigh… they made me pay for all that oil you know.”

***Fade to black.***