Bartholomew "Balanced Breakfast" Beckett

[Stu]

*** Before a sky blue background stands BARTHOLOMEW "BRAWLER" BECKETT, dressed in a purple silk morning robe, with a matching green and purple-striped ascot, a pipe in his teeth. Impeccable groomed and charming for a rat, he addressed the camera ***

BB: "Let's face it, children, none of you - MAYBE one of you in the whole world - will grow up to be as wonderful as I am, but it isn't all just "gifts that God gives," as Shakespeare would say. I must hone my natural greatness with hard work, dedication, and the right kind of diet, the latter of which …"

*** Different camera angle, revealing that Beckett is in a 1950's style kitchen with blue walls and white cabinets, a small kitchenette table before him. The table is stocked with a little flower centerpiece, a bowl of fruit, a plate of blueberry muffins, a glass of orange juice, glass of milk, a tumbler of brandy, small plate of eggs and bacon, and an empty cereal bowl ***

BB: "... starts with a healthy breakfast. And the best way to entice you sweet little morons to eat in the morning before melting your useless brains on your smarter-than-you phones for the rest of your wasted day is by offering you something with sugar and bright colors in a bowl of pasteurized udder juice.

"Well, we at PWA invite you to try PWA MAIN EVENT CRUNCH!"

*** a hand from off camera hands him a box of MAIN EVENT CRUNCH ***

BB: "Oh, it may look like a leprechaun designed it, but that is merely a clever way to get you to eat something that is actually good for you! Aside from the obligatory sugar marshmallows, the cerial itself is made with twelve kinds of wheat and grains, good for building you up and plenty of fiber to make you go, go, go!"

*** Beckett pours himself a bowl as he talks, then pours the milk ***

BB: "And in some boxes, but not all, you have a chance of finding an actual set of brass knuckles, the kind of which I never use to win a match … only in self defense! Like if someone is calling you names.

"So get your parents to buy you as many boxes as you can! They can get you plenty; they have more money that they tell you they do. Get healthy and strong, like a PWA champion, and don't be the only child at school who gets caught half-stepping with your knuckles unarmored. Bon appetite!"

*** takes a big spoonful into his mouth and pauses as his face turns green. Beckett quickly ducks out of camera. Behind the voice over is the clear sound of wretching ***

ANNOUNCER: "Eat like a champion with PWA's Main Event Crunch ..."

BB: (from off camera) "Bloody tastes like fish heads …"

ANNOUNCER: "... now available at all retailers."