Lemon-Aid Press Conferance

[Stu]

*** iNCW press conference. Two long tables, at a slight angle to each other, span the length of the stage area, the seating area a lightning storm of flash photography. Stage right, the table seats BARTHOLOMEW, LORD BECKETT, and next to him stands ARTHUR SULLIVAN, both men dressed to the nines. Along with them are a trio of hard-looking old trainers, very British, one wearing a Big Daddy cap, a couple of lawyers, because they have to ruin everything, and several executives, one of whom is just finishing setting up a gopro camera on the table.

At the other table sits CORY CARNES, all by himself. AKIRA WYLDE stands off in the back, trying earnestly not to be noticed.

Behind them, over the backdrop, is a large banner, bearing an exaggerated likeness of Chet Lemon stretched over a depiction of the globe, the emblem colored yellow. The sign reads, “Lemon-Aid: Oh, Yeah!”

Between them, at the point where the two tables meet, sits RONNIE STOCKHOLM, PWA International Correspondent, and ZACK “Attack” PRINGLE, pro-wrestling legend, former Heavyweight Champion of NWCW, now color commentator for NWCW. These men have taken their places as mediators.

As the din of the press dies down a bit, Pringle speaks up … ***

ZACK PRINGLE: “Alright, hold it down! Now, we are a mere few hours away from one of the most important pro wrestling events in the history of the sport, Lemon-Aid. Now, while this event is important for the charity work it involves, the kind for which men like Lord Beckett are known for, the real story has to do with the main event between these two competitors. So, we will begin with each of the competitors giving their own address, and see if we have time for a few questions after that. First, from the challenger, Mr Carnes. Cory?”

*** Pringle sits, and Carnes stands to give his address. ***

CORY CARNES: “ “You know... I’ll be the first to admit that when I saw ‘Lord’ Beckett’s press conference announcing me as the challenger to his NWC crown... I was a little surprised. I mean, it is SO rare that talent of my caliber gets the credit that is due. And to be fair... most of my amazing accomplishments have happened ‘behind’ the camera. As you all know... I am the creative mind behind so, SO many of the beloved SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT moments you know and love. Whether those suits in iNCW or PWA or Pro Wrestling SHAFT or the IWF ever wanted to admit it or not. So it was a surprise when the reigning, defending NWC champion took it upon himself to recognize me for my, admittedly few, IN-RING accomplishments.”

***The crowd mutters and shifts in their seats, clearly not onboard with Cory’s line of reasoning.***

CORY CARNES: “But then I thought about it a little more. Maybe... just maybe I was selling myself a little short. After all, didn’t I compete and nearly win the iNCW King of the Ring Tournament? Didn’t I take KB Kronic to the limit inside a steel cage? Didn’t I face down the Army of ONE in the first ever inter-promotional GRAND ROYALE? Maybe it was time that I looked myself in the mirror and recognized myself as the top-shelf, amazing athlete that I am! Maybe I should start listening to the legions of screaming fans that DEMAND that I lace up those boots and be the champion of the people that they need!”

***The crowd sits in absolute disbelieving silence.***

CORY CARNES: “So... I went and got myself a trainer who knows what it’s like to be in this position. A former associate of Bart Beckett and a former TWO-TIME NWC champion. AKIRA WYLD, come up here and tell the people how you’ve been preparing me for this main event match!”

***The crowd murmurs to life as Akira Wyld reluctantly moves to the podium.***

AKIRA WYLD: “I uh... I just want to go on record saying that I am not affiliated with this man.”

CORY CARNES: “Hey don’t be bashful. You heard that I had this big, once in a lifetime opportunity against Beckett and you came to my door and gladly offered your services as my trainer! Tell em’!”

***Akira looks irritatedly at Carnes and turns sullenly to the crowd.***

AKIRA WYLD: “I came to you to tell you that you had no business stepping into a match of this caliber and that Beckett was going to humiliate you and tarnish the NWC title if you went through with it.”

CORY CARNES: “But theeeeenn...?”

AKIRA WYLD: “But then... once you made it clear that you were absolutely not going to take no for an answer... I grudgingly agreed to help you. But ONLY because the NWC Title is the most prestigious championship in the world and it deserves to be taken seriously.”

CORY CARNES: “And also because I tapped you out in the iNCW KotR and you totally recognize my awesome skills.”

***Wyld dives at Carnes, who ducks behind Ronnie Stockholm and shrieks.***

AKIRA WYLD: “You little weasel! You promised you wouldn’t talk about that!”

***Wyld grabs the mic and yells furiously to the crowd.***

AKIRA WYLD: “He cheated! Johnny Ecks told him about how I injured my back in the previous round! He fought dirty and got in a lucky go-behind! It was an absolute fluke and he knows it!”

***Ronnie Stockholm quickly jumps in and muscles the microphone away from Akira.***

RONNIE STOCKHOLM: “Uh... thank you for those, um, enlightening words from our challenger. And now... um... some comments from the NWC Champion... ‘Lord Beckett’.

*** Beckett stands to speak ***

BARTHOLOMEW, LORD BECKETT: “The main reason we are here today, of course, is not for my greatness, but because of my greatness. Mr. Lemon has suffered a serious injustice, not only physically, but psychologically and professionally, as well. Now, Mr. Kronic will likely try to draw attention to himself, depicting how great he is for holding this event, but his words ring hollow. He would never have owned up to the injustice he perpetrated had it not been for me, a well-known philanthropist, spearheading the PleaseFundMe initiative for Mr. Lemon, so as you can all plainly see, this is my event, not his.”

“As for the event itself, well, it is … mostly impressive, is it not? Carlito vs. Average Joe, even money. The Masked Saboteurs vs. the inimitable Dr. Johnathan Cena and Kenneth “Finger Bang” Olivier? Well, only one of those pairings is from the Camp, let alone an actual tag team; I can’t see half of that other pair being effective at all. Oldburg vs. Patrick, Bigshow retiring by answering the Sokolov Invitational … each worthy displays in their own right, and notable, I may add, for the presence of so many members of the Camp being present … by the request of the viewing public. And the Sokolov Invitational will be a worthy main event, in the case that the money does not come in as it should. Rest assured, though, that should our fans come through, I will do what I can to help my opponent here, Cory “The Cornchip” Carnes, to limp through a respectable match. Many of you think I am simply being conceited, but look at my actual accomplishments as compared to … whatever he has written for himself. Reigning and defending NWC World Champion, undefeated Your Mother’s Champion, inaugural iNCW King of the Ring, winner of the PWA Grand Royale … and I look spectacular, besides.”

*** Here, Lord Beckett sits again, and Beckett and Solomon fist-bump. Pringle stands. ***

ZP: “Alright, now we’ll take a few questions from the peanut gallery here. Uh, let’s start with you, the reporter in the red tie.”

REPORTER IN RED TIE #1: “Mr. Carnes, how does a writer prepare to compete in an actual championship match?”

CC: “I’m glad you asked. Ya see... at its heart sports entertainment is a thinking man’s game. These ‘athletes’ are too busy worrying about their drop toeholds and their dragon screw leg whips and whatnot. Let me ask you... is a pure athlete prepared to contend with on-your-feet situations like fire erupting from ring posts? Dog crap falling from the ceiling? The sudden in-ring reveal that your drugged daughter secretly married your hated rival the night before in an all night Vegas chapel? How can a mere ‘athlete’ contend with that kind of crash-tv-ready drama? He can’t. But a CREATIVE like me can. And HAS."

ZP: “Uh-huh. Quick another question … you, the reporter in the red tie.”

REPORTER IN RED TIE #2: “Lord Beckett, you probably have a training routine of your own to prepare for important matches like this, right?”

B,LB: “Indeed.”

RitRT#2: “What do you eat the night before a match like this?”

B,LB: “Your moth-”

RS: “TIME FOR ANOTHER QUESTION. Uh … uh … you there, the reporter in the red tie.”

REPORTER IN RED TIE #3: “Mr. Carnes, to whom do you attribute your success?”

CC: “What a good-looking question. I’ve sat under the learning tree of some amazing people throughout my career. Comedy TV writers mostly. You know... the exact influences that you want in your wrestling program. But honestly... I have to give most of the credit here to yours truly. My whole life I watched sports entertainers dazzling crowds and doing amazing things. And thanks to my perseverance and my creative ambition, I was able to realize that I knew how to do their jobs better than they did, and was better equipped to put words in their mouths than any old wrasslin’ booker from the territories. I was a fan so I knew what the fans wanted to see. I knew because I told them so.”

RS: “An- uh, ‘nother question, say, uh, you this time, the reporter wearing the red tie.”

REPORTER IN RED TIE #4: “This one is for Mr. Beck-

ARTHUR SOLOMON: “Lord Beckett, mate.”

RitRT#4: “Yeah … Lord Beckett … you have set yourself up as a ladies man, whether it is factual or not, especially among the matronly crowd. How do you handle all these women?”

B,LB: “With both hands, luv.”

ZP: *** aside to Stockholm *** “You’ve announced for him. Is this guy for real?”

RS: *** moving along *** “Another question, and leave the gossip rag element out of it, please? There are serious professional athletes up here. You, the reporter in the red tie. What do you have?”

REPORTER IN RED TIE #5: “Mist- er, Lord Beckett, the NWC World Championship is the highest honor in the professional wrestling world today. Why have you offered an opportunity like this to someone who is … um … more on the periphery of the sport?”

B,LB: “Finally, an excellent question. I am beset on all sides at PWA, iNCW, everywhere I go, in fact, by those who think they are worthy of a shot at this title of mine. As a fighting champion, I have been given dispensation by the Council to have a say in whom I allow to compete. Now then, this is for charity. I see it as not only reasonable, but perfectly in the spirit of things to allow someone like Mr. Carnes, who has utterly no way to earn his way into the ring with me, this one chance to prove, before an international audience, that I am more than willing to face anyone to defend my title. Since nobody deserves said title shot, I thought it also fitting that this nobody serve as an example.”

“However, there is more to it than that.”

“Moronic writers, like Mr. the Cornchip here, have done more damage to my beloved profession that anything else. Permanently crippling him … will be a great personal pleasure, as well.”

ZP: “Well spoke. Okay, one more question … uh, you the reporter in the blue tie.”

“Reporter” in the Blue Tie: “I’m with catering, sir.”

ZP: “Oh … well, then, you, the reporter in the red tie, there.”

Reporter in the Red Tie #6: “Mr. Carnes, seriously, now, what do you think your chances are of surviving this mach, let alone winning? I mean, you must be aware of Lord Beckett's reputation as an ... unorthodox competitor, the kind of vicious, aggressive athlete and brawler, and a master of joint manipulation, who delights in tormenting those who cannot defend themselves adequately defend themselves against his wrestling style any more than they can against foreign objects."

CC: "You know what? Let me get real with you for a second. I know every bit as much about this storyline here as you do. I know what the people think of my chances, just like I know the world loves a good underdog story. But when all the water boils away here’s the stock you’re left with... I know Beckett is underestimating me. I know the world is underestimating me. Nobody thinks I can get this done... and that’s exactly where I want it. Beckett over there... he thinks he’s on top of the world right now. And that kind of high makes you make stupid mistakes. Beckett is at his best when HE’S the one being undersold. He schemes and connives and plots and uses every underhanded trick in the book to pull off wins nobody thinks he can do. And now, the shoe’s on the other foot. Beckett’s the one in uncharted territory here, not me. And besides... I have an ace in the hole. If I get in big trouble, Akira here will swoop in and Surgical Strike Beckett’s stupid face off!”

***The camera pans over to Akira sulking in the corner. He vigorously shakes his head no. Beckett smirks.***

CC: “Ah he’s just being modest. We have an understanding. Right my man?”

***Cory gives Akira an exaggerated wink. Akira responds by very deliberately flipping him the bird. Beckett and Solomon snicker to themselves.***

RS: “Strong words from both our champion and our challenger. Folks, I can honestly say that this is truly shaping up to be an eagerly anticipated and... quite memorable... event. Whether you believe in our NWC Champion, our unlikely contender... or are just hoping a meteor crashes in the center of the ring taking them both out, this is truly going to be a night to remember.”

“But keep in mind folks, this is a fundraiser, and tonight at Lemon-Aid, this match will not occur unless you open your hearts and your wallets. I know I’ll be doing the same, for nothing would give me more pleasure than seeing one or both of these men beaten senseless before the evening is out. Thank you ladies and gentlemen, and stay tuned, for Lemon-Aid begins just a few short hours from now. For iNCW, PWA, the NWCW, and the NWC, I’m Ronnie Stockholm …”

ZP: “And I am Zack “Attack” Pringle. We’ll see you tonight, for iNCW’s Lemon-Aid!"

RS: “See you all shortly.”