Sweet Charity

[Stu]

*** Another press conference arranged before the podium, a PWA logo hanging behind it. Flash bulbs go off as BARTHOLOMEW, LORD BECKETT, backed by his trusted companion, ARTHUR SULLIVAN, each dressed impeccably. Questions begin being shouted, but Beckett pulls out a nail file and begins filing his nails until the questions die down. ***

BARTHOLOMEW “THE BRAWLER,” LORD BECKETT: “Ladies and gent- pardon me; people, I have called you all here not to answer your questions, but to make an announcement.

“In support of the great pundit of our sport, one Mr. Chester ‘Chet’ Lemon, I initiated a PleaseFundMe to help him with living expenses and his medical costs. However, this has largely been ignored by an uncaring public. Therefore, I have made an arrangement with iNCW.

“In order to boost donations to the level they should be, I have decided to exploit my position as the fighting NWC Champion I am. I will defend my title at Lemon-Aid. Now, as a fighting champion - and as a member of the nobility - I will hand pick my opponent. In honor of Mr. Lemon’s state, himself having been attacked by a merciless bully, I shall instead give an opportunity at my title to a competitor who normally would not get such a chance, a long-shot, if you will. I have chosen, for this grand stage, one Cory Carnes!”

*** More flashbulbs, murmurs of “Who?” ***

B,LB: “However, this main event will only come to pass if our goal for Mr. Lemon is met! You will not get to see championship action for free! You all have until the very moment of match time to reach our goal. I will be there, ready; whether or not the match goes on is entirely up to you. Mr. Carnes … I look forw-”

*** Beckett and Sullivan erupt into laughter. After a moment, Beckett steps down …”

B,LB: “... couldn’t even finish that with a straight face …”

*** Exaunt ***

[Quillz]

(The scene opens in a sparsely-furnished studio apartment in Medford, OR. Cory Carnes is sprawled out on his back on a reclined futon, a rolled-up sweatshirt propped under his head for a pillow, a 2013 Dell laptop propped on his stomach, and a half-finished Cup-o-Noodles in his hand. On the screen, he is watching the PWA Network (soon to be absorbed by GBC's new streaming app, the 'The Goose'). Off-key, Cory hums the chorus of 'Hit Me Baby One More Time' to himself as he takes a sip directly from his noodle cup. Just then, Lord Beckett's Lemon-Aid promo airs on the Network, and Cory immediately spits a wad of noodles onto his keyboard. He sits up, transfixed at the screen, broth dripping from his sensual-but-firm lips.)

CORY: No way... he didn't just... the NWC Title? Lemon-Aid?

(Cory's eyes bulge as big as saucers as the cup drops from his hand, landing in a pile of several other noodle cups on the floor. A wicked smile creases his face as he slowly rises to his feet.)

CORY: This is it baby! After toiling in obscurity for two years... Cory Carnes is BACK IN THE GAME! That ass-clown Bart Beckett may THINK that he's served himself up a softball title defense at Lemon-Aid, but LITTLE DOES HE KNOW that this is the very opportunity that Cory Carnes, the most underrated WRITER in SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT history, has been waiting for! Every good creative knows that the fans eat up a riches-to-rags-to-riches story! And look at what just dropped into my lap! The once great creative mind behind EVERY MAJOR WRESLING MILESTONE of the past decade is kicked to the curb. He loses out on his sweet-sweet three bedroom apartment on the upper west side and has to pawn his 2010 Kia Soul. Things look bleak for our hero... but just then, an arrogant champion, wallowing in HUBURIS, issues a seemingly impossible challenge! Can our hero rise to the challenge and reclaim the glory that is rightfully his on the BIGGEST PPV EVENT IN WRESTLING HISTORY? You just WAIT AND SEE!

(Cory slams his fist into his hand and flashes a noodle engorged smile)

CORY: That has-been, blowhard KB Kronic will rue the day he kicked my ass out of iNCW. That high-handed, jerk-bag Damion Black will regret throwing my resume in my face and banning me from the PWA Arena! When the chips are down, you buy new chips! And I just so happen to have a fresh can of Pringles RIGHT HERE with their names on it! All I need is a little... uh...refresher course on the fundamentals. Time to pick up the old rolodex and call in some old favors. If this was a movie... this is where some inspiring music would start playing and a rockin' TRAINING MONTAGE would begin!

(Cory pumps his fists and jogs in place.)

CORY: 'Hit me baby, ONE MORE TIME!'

(Cory turns and bounds toward the door, immediately slipping on a wad of wet noodles on the floor and planting face-first on the ground. After several seconds of awkward, possibly unconscious silence, he thrusts an arm in the air!)

CORY: ...CUE TRAINING MONTAGE!

(End Scene.)