Promos for Assault 29 September 2018

[Quillz]

***The scene opens in the ‘secret lair’ of the FIERCE and DEADLY Coldsnakes. Giant Anaconda stands stoically in the center of the frame as Junior Cobra paces manically back and forth in front of him.***

COBRA: “No no no no NO!!! This is all wrong big man! Everything’s gone all... all pear shaped! Up is down, black is white, hot is cold and fat is sexy! Nothing makes sense anymore man! And it’s all the fault of that masked Q-Tip Snow and that... that saucy knave Brawler Beckett! First, Snow got into Derrick’s head and got him all mixed up. Then King Ding-Dong stuck his British nose all up in my sacred area and now D-Bag is nowhere to be found! I’ve looked in his burlap sack, I’ve looked inside the lockers, Ive looked in the trunk of the car... everyplace Derrick liked to hang out! He’s gone and now I don’t know what to do!”

***Cobra grabs the sides of his mask and shakes his head vigorously. Anaconda slumps his shoulders and pats Cobra on the back.***

COBRA: “I’m all bent out of shape man! Without Derrick, who will laugh at all my priceless jokes?! Remember the good times? Remember how I would ask Derrick to pull my finger like... a dozen times a day? And he’d do it every single time! And he would laugh! He would laugh the hearty laugh of a cherub angel! The look on his face would make you swoon! You can’t buy an audience like that! None of this would have happened if that absolute dork-gobbler Snow hadn’t messed with our business! Things were going SOOOOO good! I was a champion! We were number one contenders to tag-team titles! We had SO MANY sweet sweet Andrew Jacksons! And now, look at us! We have NOTHING! The world has turned inside out and we have been left in a black pit of despair and feces!”

***Cobra slams his hand on the wall and spins around to stare daggers at the camera.***

COBRA: “You hear that Snow?! Despair and feces!! You feel good about yourself now?? You proud to be a part of that?!”

***Cobra starts pacing back and forth rapidly across the screen.***

COBRA: “Ok ok ok... so here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna settle this once and for all IN THE RING. Snow, Beckett and ME! Three-way DANCE OF DEATH. Three men enter... only THREE men leave! But not in the same manner in which they entered! Best of NINE falls, never say uncle, tornado battle royal reverse-elimination round-robin tournament... of death. Anaconda will be the time keeper. I’ll handle concessions. All t-shirt and merchandising rights go to me. For tickets, call my cell at 555-46...”

***Suddenly the door opens and a shaft of light invades the dank lair of the Coldsnakes. Cobra and Anaconda shield their eyes from the light.***

COBRA: “hisssss!”

***Akira Wyld pokes his head through the doorway.***

WYLD: “There you two are! What the HELL are you idiots doing in the generator room? We have a six-man tag match to prepare for!”

COBRA: “Akira! Come wallow in despair and feces with us as we lament the loss of our pride and joy!”

***Wyld steps down into the darkened generator room and curls his lip at Cobra.***

WYLD: “Wallow in despair and... (sniff) what is that smell?”

COBRA: “Is it the despair?”

WYLD: “God I hope so. Now listen. That idiot Damion Black thinks it’s some sort of sick joke forcing me to partner with you two losers... but what he hasn’t considered is that at one time, we were part of the deadliest faction in the history of the sport!”

COBRA: “Oh heck yeah! Back in the sandwich days you and us and Nemesis Rex were the baddest mama-jammas in the business! The Devil’s Own was the shiznit! Ooooooh! Let’s get the band back together!”

WYLD: “Cobra, I would rather shove a hot poker up my ass than be in the same room as you... but for one night... you’re right. The Devil’s Own is going to OWN Assault this Saturday. We are going to take that loser Richard Pennyworth and those two masked freaks... and... uh...”

***Cobra leans heavily on Akira Wyld’s chest and fans himself with his open hand.***

COBRA: “I’m sorry... I just... I’m having an emotional day here. Without Derrick to keep me evened out... wait. Maybe YOU can help me. Quick... Akira, PULL MY FINGER!”

WYLD: “...”

COBRA: “...”

ANACONDA: “...”

WYLD: “God in Heaven I hate you SO much. Look... just... just be ready for our match on Saturday. If we lose to those three morons I swear to god I will beat the two of you within an inch of your lives!”

***Wyld shoves Cobra off of him and storms angrily out of the generator room, slamming the door behind him. Cobra turns to Anaconda and squees.***

COBRA: “JUST like old times big guy! Things are looking up!”

***Cobra and Anaconda completely whiff an attempted high-five as the screen fades to black.***