Articulating a List of Grievances

[TheFactor]

***Scene opens to the ring immediately after The Factor’s match with Average Jo on Battery. Factor celebrates his victory in the corner until Jo begins to make their exit, at which point Factor begins to pace the ring again, snatching the mic from the ring announcer before they can escape with it**

FACTOR: “Go on, get out of here you so and so! You’re like the racoons who go through my trash!”

***Factor takes a moment to survey the arena, before attempting to surreptitiously reach a hand down into his tights***

FACTOR: Hold on, everybody… hold on now. I know it’s been a while, so I thought I’d take the opportunity to-”

***Suddenly Factor’s hand comes free and he’s holding what looks to be a stack of cue cards***

FACTOR: “Yes, I had these the whole time. Let’s keep it classy here people!”

FACTOR: “First of all, big props to management for making Battery the Pacemaker’s show. Everybody wants that main event. To be the closer. But I get to come in and drop a five star match against a six star opponent and then let guys like New Champion Nemesis Rex clean up after. What’s Vegas got him at for title defenses, anyway? One point five, maybe? I’ll take the under. Nemesis Rex sounds like the villain from a children’s cartoon where advanced futuristic dinosaurs bring their galactic battle to Earth. Or was he the clone of Original Rex who died in a helicopter battle and was reanimated by an ancient Egyptian curse? Hey you know I might get my chance to find out when he doesn’t have a belt to defend and has some space in his calendar in about two weeks or so! But before that…”

***He flicks a cue card over his shoulder and up into the crowd behind him***

FACTOR: “Rex Camelot is a warrior, props to him for the win. He fought a textbook match against The Factor. He was on me from the very first bell. He didn't give me any time to breathe,any time to plan anything out or one inch to maneuver. Just jumped on me and just drove knees into my stomach. That one was totally on me. I’ll just have to do better next time. And believe me, one way or another, there’s gonna be a next time. But before that…”

***Another cue card goes flipping over his shoulder and up into the stands***

FACTOR: “Yuri Kruchiev. Man what a beast, guy almost had me a dozen times there! Every time I turned around he had a different look. The one mistake he made? Went to the well too many times with that Pump Handle Bomb. Devastating move. Every time he got me with it, I thought that was over. If he'd have saved it for the right moment it would have been, and he would have had it. But you can't do that against me. You can't show me your move that many times! It’s my move now! So I hit him with one and the next time he tried it, I shut him down hard. Other than that it was a neck-and-neck match! I can't fault the guy, though. I think the blame lies elsewhere. I think this is the second time now where a perfectly capable competitor went down because he was getting bad instructions from a terribly dressed person standing on the sidelines, Dinkle. I think your tactical advice kind of stinkles. You’ve got all this firepower, and what do you have to show for it? You’ve got one guy puking lime Haterade on people when he’s not too busy trying to eat them, one guy with all the wrestling talent in the world getting Mickey Mouse instructions from Donald Duck, and another guy who I don’t even know who he is! So I guess I need to face him next - who is it, Kang the Conqueror? No, no that’s not right… was it Mangas the Mongolian? No.. no too on the nose… wait, it was Ming the Merciless! That sounds better, I-oh, I was right the second time. Huh. My bad. Yeah, I guess I have to fight him for the trifecta! But before that…”

***another cue card flies away!***

FACTOR: “This one says ‘Damian Black’… nope, I value my paycheck waaaaay too much to say any of this! Something about the sizzle being suspiciously lacking in steak? Or the colossal magnificence of the complete and utter lack of competence of your henchpeople? Like Alex Prime! Who beat The Factor in a singles match by turning it into a tag team match! Good job, Alex! Gold star there buds. Nope, I think Mr. Black is doing a fantastic job and that the Champions League are only slightly misbranded, but hey, one “a” into a “u” and you’re back on track! And don’t worry, Alex, I’ll see you again, real soon. But before that….”

***card flies***

FACTOR: “Jai, I definitely believe you’ve earned a title shot. All those people you beat. Rex Camelot, who we’ve established is really good! Snow, who.. is retired now. Oh, and the Fact or Friction guy. Wait, I’m the Fact or Friction guy! But wait, when did you… in SHAFT? Jai. Bro. Homie. Ese. Chupacabra. Are you seriously staking a claim to the PWA Light heavyweight Championship on a match you won ten years ago against a guy who hasn’t weighed less than two hundred pounds since high school? Are you going to challenge Pantaro for his title because you won a medal running JV track?! Jai, listen. You’re super talented. You don’t want to challenge Pantaro for his title on Battery. What’s the point of that? The big show is right around the corner! Wouldn’t you rather face him then? I know I would!”

***Factor suddenly looks thoughtful***

FACTOR: “But maybe you’re not talking about back then. Maybe you mean you beat me recently. But how could that be? The only ones who’ve done that are… …..no.”

***he shakes his head, pacing aggressively now***

FACTOR: “No… I don’t believe it. But, it does make sense… I have never seen Mysterious Jo and the Average JAI1 in the same place at the same time. The size disparity is troubling, but it does explain the sudden jealousy and random aggression!”

FACTOR: “But, for serious. Jo. Buddy. ….baby? …….budby? This stuff has to end. I don’t know what your problem is, and frankly I don’t care. You and me at the Pay Per View. We settle this once and for all. Be there or be square. Well more square. Because you know, Jo, that Only One Question Remains. Average Jo: Your Leg, or Neck?”

***Factor tosses a couple more cue cards away, but still has a couple in his hands***

FACTOR: “Who am I missing? Sanctum? More like Rectum! The Sinn Twins belong in the Sin Bin and Rhett Holiday looks like he dug a Factor halloween costume out of a garbage bin, put it on, then got mauled by dogs on his way home. Least you guys still get to go home for some homecooked meals! Shoutout to Mrs. Sinn and to Mr. Slave back in the Batcave there.”

FACTOR: “Who else? The Brotherhood? Don’t think I forgot about you! ...I… I totally did though, you guys are basically just like D.I.E. now, you might wanna go back to the costumes!”

FACTOR: “Spencer Watts, great match. It’s too bad we couldn’t get the win, but you did great. When we stayed back to back, we had them. When we got separated, it was tough. Factor this: if you ever find yourself in a jam, I got your back, fam.”

FACTOR: “Wylds, I love all of you crazy psychopaths, but that al;so means I’m going to hold you to a higher standard! So get out there and get some Ws, you filthy animals!”

***finally, Factor has run out of cue cards***

FACTOR: “If your name was not mentioned, assume that you’re on the list somewhere, and that I’m calling you out eventually. See, I don’t know what Jo’s issue is - I’m assuming it’s jealousy, though whether it’s over the hair or the talent or the styl;e or the technical ability or the vocabulary or the wardrobe or the flashy cars or because Battery ios my show now - it doesn’t matter. All of y'all can hate me, it doesn’t mean a thing. Because ain’t nobody gonna stop me!
So I guess then, just one more question remains:”

***Factor stops and finally stares into the camera***

FACTOR: “Prestige Wrestling Association: who really wants some?!”

***Factor drops the mic, cross arm poses, leaps over the top rope and out of the ring as the scene fades to black***